Background
Maxine's story
Maxine's story
I went to the Trimar and I was asked to take part in a project with other ladies that went with me to the Hospice on a Friday. I met the Rosetta Life artist Catherine and we discussed the opportunity of working with Billy Bragg.
I was sceptical at first as I thought that so many other things needed major attention - such as finding some one who would look after my daughter and be her guardian after I had gone.
However I was drawn to the project and it turned out to be the opening of the door that I sought. God works in mysterious ways. Billy Bragg was to give me a creative opportunity and this was to be my path to freedom and hope.
Facing death compelled me to look at my life and my relationship to God more truthfully than ever before. Using the writing of The Song as a tool I was able to think and write about areas of my life that I had not been honest about. The boundaries began to fall away.
In creativity there are no rules. So I did not have to be anyone else except me. It allowed me to write intimate things about myself without any restrictions. It gave me the feeling that I had nothing to fear and nothing to lose. Creativity gave me a freedom that I had always known existed but that I had never been able to achieve. This was a big step in making me a whole person.
In my creativity I was able to own some of the hurtful situations that I had caused and that had been part of my rather colourful life. I was able to face the reality of what I'd done and become whole through owning them. As I thought about The Song and what it meant to me and Jessica, so I grew more and more.
What was really nice in the writing of The Song was getting a balance. I saw that my life was not all bad. Some wonderful things had developed out of the sometimes chaotic life I had led. There was an enormous amount of laughter.
Although I'd always appeared to be confident I had very low self-esteem. I had always thought that I had to prove my Christianity and what a good Christian I was. I always thought that I had to prove I was a good parent and a good person. Writing now set me free. I had nothing to prove.
I felt very different and in a position of strength. Silly really when I was terminal. Mentally something had happened that I cannot explain. I was just in the dimension of faith of and there was no looking back.
This makes it sound easy but it wasn't. My heart was breaking. I wanted to stay with Jessica, to be a part of her future. If I died I would have no influence over her at all. I had to trust God with her future. The pain was terrible. It was probably the lowest point of my illness.
After three days of arguing with God I gave my daughter to Him. I came to understand that no one could love her more than me and that feeling was written into The Song. I lay in bed in the middle of the night in the darkness and I imagined in my mind God with his huge hand outstretched. I handed Jessica over to him. I gave him my all. I put her into his hands and knew that I had to leave her with him.
The next morning I felt free. I felt relief. I felt that Jessica was safe regardless of me. For the first time in my life I could be me.
All this went into The Song. Somehow in the process of writing with Billy Bragg I had found the freedom to become whole.
Making it Happen
